Fear.

And when you're alone there's a very good chance you'll meet things that scare you right out of your pants There are some, down the road between hither and yon, that can scare you so much you won't want to go on. [Dr. Seuss]
There is a dark, terrible story in the news in Pittsburgh right now. It's about a deadly accident involving a little toddler. The situation is gruesome. And like some sort of emotional masochist, I cannot stop thinking about it.
I can't explain how I feel in a simple, succinct way. It's part horror and part anger at circumstance and mostly just plain sadness. This is one of those times where I have serious doubts about, you know, higher powers. But perched up on top of this bag of feeling is one that never would have entered my emotional realm before. Fear.
I like to live in the light. I know the world can be a tough place, that tragic things happen, that pain is unavoidable. But I've never understood the appeal of, for instance, horror movies. Or Stephen King books. Or truly dark TV shows, even. I detest all that. I don't seek out the bad stuff. I hate to feel afraid.
So while I laid in bed last night and tried to forget what I'd read, what I'd heard on the news, and what I'd imagined as my brain tried to process the details of the accident -- I felt a few kicks from Bunny.
Normally that's something I laugh over, when the baby kicks just as I'm getting stressed out or upset. I like to pretend that the kid is telling me to snap out of it. But this time, goosebumps prickled up and down my arms. Not the good kind, either. I felt physically, honest-to-God sick. And it's because -- while I can't imagine how the mother must feel -- I now have some idea, even if it's just an inkling, of what she lost.
And so I guess this is the other side of soon-to-be parenthood. The realization of just how scary the world can be, and how things can go wrong in the blink of an eye, and how it truly could happen to you. The understanding that you're not in control, not really. It's a bad feeling.
I don't really have a point to this post, but it feels disingenuous to only write about bump updates and peppermint ice cream cravings and the many, many wonderful and magical things about expecting a baby. It's really scary sometimes too.