Someone has a shoe problem in our household. And it isn't me.
Kyle is what you might call a man's man. He's big and tall. He loves sports with all of his heart and soul. He loves beer. He loves dogs. He has a beard that, should he let it grow five days in a row, would rival Brian Wilson's.
Not that one.
THAT one.
But Kyle loves shoes. Really, really loves them. And for a woman who doesn't even like shoes that much, this makes zero sense to me.
He would argue that it isn't true, that he doesn't have too many pairs, that he just likes to wear around any old kicks. And despite one unfortunate shopping trip early in our relationship when he purchased a pair of Nikes that looked like they had a spoiler on the back...
Just slightly less crazy than this.
...I started to believe him. I started thinking he wasn't crazypants over shoes. Until we started discussing this year's Christmas wish list.
Did you know that Air Jordan's are like gold to men of a certain age?
And that, for some God awful reason, they are being re-released the morning of December 23rd?
And that Finish Line recommends you arrive at about 5 AM to buy them, because there will be a freaking line? For regular old tennis shoes.
WTF?
I sort of feel like my dad must have felt standing in line for the X Box, or PS3, or Wii, or whatever other stupid boy thing was selling that year. He and all the other parents, huddled outside in the pre-dawn with coffee and blankets and Willie Wonka-esque "golden tickets" guaranteeing a happy child and a ridiculous bank statement.
But that is for children. Not only do I believe it's beyond insane for grown men to stand in line for four hours to buy a pair of tennis shoes, I think it's a whole new level of crazy when I find out what these shoes will actually be used for.
Observe:
Stevenson, Caroline [1:12 PM]: -you CANT wear them until christmas day Stevenson, Kyle T [1:14 PM]: -haha, i want to put them in a glass case for my man room -im gonna be scared to wear them outside Stevenson, Caroline [1:14 PM]: -oh my god -you are crazy about shoes Stevenson, Kyle T [1:18 PM]: -just those ones -u just dont understand! Stevenson, Caroline [1:19 PM]: -you're absolutely right -because getting into line at 5 AM for a pair of regular tennis shoes that you'll be afraid to wear outside and will keep in a glass case is insane Stevenson, Kyle T [1:22 PM]: -i kinda agree Stevenson, Caroline [1:22 PM]: -okay, at least you sort of know it
First of all... man room? Please note that we don't have a man room in the house. Maybe the next place, my love.
Secondly... glass case?!? Scared to wear them outside?!? What kind of shoes are these?
Please believe that I won't be standing in this line by myself. If he wants these shoes this badly, he already knows what he's getting for Christmas, so he'll be there by my side. In fact, he said that's my real Christmas gift to him, that I'll be there.
Lest you think that's some incredibly sappy, sentimental expression of companionship and love...
We'll be there together so that I can buy a second pair, and we can sell them at an insane markup on eBay for all the people who weren't "lucky" enough to stand in line for hours and by them at retail value. And supposedly this second pair we sell will really finance our gifts to each other. Romantic, no?
My husband is on the verge of becoming Dwight Shrute.
"My horn can pierce the sky."
Or Carrie Bradshaw. Take your pick.
EDIT: If a post is primarily about Kyle, I try to be considerate and let him read it before it's proclaimed all over my Facebook. He liked this one, but he wants to make something clear...
Stevenson, Kyle T [2:13 PM]:
-the glass case was being sarcastic
-im not literally putting them on display
My mistake. This whole plan makes total sense now;)